Mattox Live

It’s been a long time since I made my way back to my blog. Looking through all the draft posts I’ve started but never finished over the last year, they all have to same common theme of realizing when its time to set some boundaries.  When its time to protect my peace and put myself first.

When I was going through chemo, a friend sent me the spoon theory created by Christine Miserandino. I loved it so much; I still use that analogy to this day. The basic idea is using spoons to represent a days energy levels. And every task you do takes a spoon until you run out of spoons. Some days you borrow from the next day’s spoons, but that leaves the next day short on spoons.

A few weeks ago, I started borrowing from the next day’s spoons. And then the next day. And then they next day. I started feeling the weight of everything around me starting to crash down on my shoulders. I felt obligations put on me by others and myself, and I wanted to be more, do more, give more. But I quickly realized, I was wanting to do so to the detriment of my own health.

In the last year (truly, in the last four months) my priorities have shift dramatically. A new job promotion that changed so much for me. My husband’s job being so busy. Crossing the threshold of 4 years since being diagnosed with cancer. All of these things have made a profound impact on my thoughts, priorities, and dreams.

Right now. In this moment in time. I have to be a little bit selfish. I have to protect my own peace. I need time out on my back deck listening to the crickets chirp. I need a day here and there to couch rot. I need time in my garden. I need to go to church.

One big thing I struggle with mentally is the need and want to be there for everyone. I want to take care of everyone. I want to be someone that can be relied on in times of need. I want to be everything to everyone.

My husband said recently, “You can’t,” as he listened to me spiral in this mix of guilt and grief of wanting so badly to do more and be more for others. And I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded of something I tell others all the time. You can’t pour out of an empty cup. You can’t just keep borrowing spoons from the next day and the next. You’ll eventually run out of spoons entirely.

I recently listened to a podcast that talked about how the word “Priority” really shouldn’t have a plural form. And it really made me think. While I don’t agree with that sentiment entirely, I do appreciate how it made me reanalyze those things I consider to be a priority in my life.

(Side note: I love thoughts like this one that make me think. I feel like its a concept that’s going to continue to come to mind for the rest of my life. Much like my philosophy professor in college saying, “There’s no such thing as an altruistic act.” You don’t have to agree with an idea to allow it to still shape your way of thinking.)

Right now, with my husband on an extended length tour, certain things around the home that would generally be his priority to handle have landed on me to take care of… or in some cases very stubbornly ignore. But when he returns, I’ll get a few spoons back. I’m still new enough in my new position that its requiring a little more attention as I learn the ropes. So its taking more spoons than it (theoretically) will in the future.

To top it all off we are at the time of year when I have all of my doctors appointments. Just this week I’ll have a mammogram, pelvic ultrasound, DEXA test, and next week I meet with a gastroenterologist since I’m at a magic age for colon screening. My scanxiety levels are through the roof at the moment. I just learned I need a crown on a tooth with a failing filling.

Protecting my peace is everything at the moment. And I will be doing so without apology or explanation.

“Don’t spend your energies on things that generate worry, anxiety, and anguish. Only one thing is necessary: Lift up your spirit and love God.”
– St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina